


Lying To Yourself

by 50Lizardsinatrenchcoat



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Child Abuse, Dave Needs A Hug, Dave my poor child, Depression, Eating Disorders, Everyone Is Gay, Freeverse poetry, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Karkat Needs a Hug, Multi, Panic Attacks, Poetry, Pre-Slash, Rose is best sister, Suicidal Thoughts, why do i do this to you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 23:16:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15496959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/50Lizardsinatrenchcoat/pseuds/50Lizardsinatrenchcoat
Summary: A look at Dave and Karkat's developing relationship and all the troubles they have to work through to get there. Written in verse.





	Lying To Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> I don't normally write poetry, so criticism is welcome! Please mind the tags.

**Not All Bad**

 

Pain

Fear

It was what you knew

You didn't know

that this wasn't normal

That kids don't fight for their lives

Weekly

Daily

Who knows how often

Against their own family

 

You thought it was fine

You were fine

You could patch yourself up

See?

Fine

No issues here

 

_ Liar liar _

 

Occasionally he was kind

Even warm

He taught you about music

Played games with you

Said you were important to him

He couldn't be all bad

 

Right?

 

\-------

**Uncertainty**

 

He's dead

 

Other-you said so

With tears in his eyes

 

You're not sure how to react

He raised you

Kept a roof over your head

 

Didn't really feed you

But that was fine

You could get your own food

 

_ Liar liar _

 

You weren't really safe

But that was fine

He was just training you

 

Training you for what

Probably what killed him

He was smart

He thought ahead

But how could he have known

He cared

Did he

 

You're not sure at this point

 

\-------

**Bad At Relationships**

 

Your sister doesn't think he cared

You said that she didn't understand

That she should stay out of your head

You stormed off

You kinda feel bad

 

You have a place to go to be alone

It's just an unused room

There's a lot of those 

But this one is yours

You didn't expect to find 

the angry troll

 

You may

Or may not

Have royally flipped out

It's up for debate

You could argue the semantics

Of your supposed flipping out

 

You may have yelled at him

You don't think you made any sense to him

Though

To be fair 

You rarely make sense to him

 

He cursed at you

That's normal

But it stung this time

He seemed genuinely upset

Not that you noticed

Too busy flipping out

Supposedly

Still up in the air on that

 

\------

**Racking Up Concern**

 

The troll went to get your sister

You didn't notice

You think

You were actually flipping out

No more debates

The outcome is confirmed

You were seriously panicking

 

Your sister tells you to breathe

You try

You really do

It almost works

 

You pass out from hyperventilating

 

When you come to

Your sister is more concerned than before

She says she's not a psychologist

But she still wants to be there

For you

She has better things to do with her time

Than waste it on you

Her frown deepens

Oops

You said that out loud

 

Now she's more concerned

 

\--------

**Ante up**

 

You hang out with the angry troll more

He still yells

But he's usually not mad

Frustrated

Maybe

But not mad

 

You don't know why

You hang out with him

Maybe it's because

He's funny

Even when he's not trying to be

Especially when he's not trying to be

 

Though it's probably because 

You were both dealt bad hands

In life

Like 

Playing poker and you have nothing

And your highest card is an eight

But you can't fold

Well

You could have then

But not now

You're immortal now

People are counting on you

You don't get to quit

You don't get to die

 

So you ante up

 

\---------

**An Enigma**

 

You don't really talk about your past

With anyone 

Especially not him

You don't talk about his either

It's an unspoken rule

Ask no questions

 

But you're curious about him

And you think

He's curious about you

Maybe

 

At the very least

He's a puzzle

You're not sure you have all the pieces 

and you definitely don't have the box

With a picture of the final image on the front

You just have some pieces

And a lot of time

 

When he thinks you're not looking

You can see 

He feels bad for you

He doesn't even know what's wrong 

Nothing’s wrong

You're fine 

absolutely fine

 

_ Liar liar _

 

\--------

**Fear is a Powerful Emotion**

 

You're really

Really

Tired

Of fighting

Fighting imps

Fighting in general

Fighting with your sister

She just wants to help

But you don't let her

You're scared

of what she may find in your head

 

Fighting with your

Your

 

What is he to you

Your best friend

Your monorail

Whatever that word is

Your boyfriend

 

It frankly doesn't matter

You've been taught all of the above were wrong

Friends 

useless 

Emotion intimacy between two boys

Weak

Being gay

You don't even want to think

about the consequences 

 

So you pull away

 

\------

**Never Been Okay**

 

You think

Your friends

Are being 

unreasonably 

Worried

 

You're fine 

Fine

Fine

No issues

 

_ Liar liar _

 

You don't come out of your room much

He says

It's fine

You say

 

You're not eating enough

Or at all

Your sister says

Yes you are

You say

 

You don't think 

either of them

Believe you

But you're fine

You do things

Other than sleep

When you can 

drag yourself

out of bed

You eat

When you can 

bring yourself to

choke something down

You're fine

 

Right?

 

\-------

**Bittersweet Memories**

 

You're really tired

Of anteing up

But it's getting better 

 

They refuse to leave you alone

Sleepovers become a constant thing

They make sure you eat something

They don't really care what it is

Popcorn

Apples

Soup

As long as you eat something with them

 

The elegant troll occasionally joins you as well

You can see the way she looks at your sister

They would be good for each other

But their gaze is familiar 

It's the same way he looks at you

When he doesn't think you're aware

 

You're not sure what to make of this

 

He's mad at the world 

for what it's done

To him

To you

Even if he's not sure

of what your damage is

He's not mad at you though

You think you can trust him

At least

You really want be able to

 

\-------

**Maybe Broken But There's Glue**

 

You don't really like being alone

You feel eyes

He's supposed to be dead

But it's as if you can feel his gaze

Sizing you up

As if to get the jump on you

 

When you're alone

You slip back into survival mode

You don't like being alone 

 

You think you're being clingy

You try not to care

Don't 

Care

 

Objective failed

 

You try to step back

Be less needy

They all notice

He goes to confront you about it

He walks in on a nightmare

 

You spill everything

He holds you close

Through all the tears

Touch has always meant pain

But he's gentle

He's safe 

 

You're safe

 

You're going to get through this

 

You're going to be okay

 

\--------


End file.
